You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
