Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
even my farts smell like vagina
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
