It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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