Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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