I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
