Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
