Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
it's like iHOP with fire
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
