i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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