she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Randomize
