I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
