just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
