you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
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Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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