You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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