I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
