i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
