sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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