I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
