Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
