Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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