I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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