I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
