I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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