rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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