I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
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