He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
A+ Viking dick
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
