guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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