i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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