if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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