I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
