DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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