How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
