i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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