I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
True college students do jello shots in the library
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
