woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We had to coat check the pizza.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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