She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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