I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You may now shotgun with the bride
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
