so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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