even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
