Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
