screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
