my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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