Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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