We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
