No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
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good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
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Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs