well I can't set my house on fire every night
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.