Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend