guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Randomize
