My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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