party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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