The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
