Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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