I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
