she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
