quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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