i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
