If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
